It's not yours!

Your family's problems are not yours and it's time for you to respect that, and respect them enough to let them fix them.

Here's what I mean by this, it sounds harsh, I know, and it is something I am still struggling with, but as much as possible, you need to learn to back off, and give space.

Somebody very special to me, that I look to for advice concerning many aspects of life, sent me this image today and it spoke volumes to me. I have struggled most of my life with many personal issues, I mean, if you knew, the on going to-do list of repairs I have going on? you'd set up a go-fund me account for me so I can get a little work done in that area.

Back to the topic though, growing up in a traditional Mexican household, we are all super close and super connected. This is an incredible trait to have! we have each others backs no matter what, we are never alone, and we have a support system in place... Sounds great right? but like everything in this life, it is just as helpful as it is harmful.

Knowing you will be there for each other means, YOU will be there, for everybody, every time. Let that sink in for a bit... How big is an average Mexican family again? think about it, EVERY single person, EVERY single time. That is a lot, especially if you genuinely mean to be there every single time. It drains you so fast to try to be there for every struggle.

Let's talk about the second point, we are never alone. Great right? You never have to face any problem alone, how bad can that be? Well... that means you NEVER get to face your problems alone, think about every hard time you've had, every embarrassing experience you've had, and now imagine every person knowing about it, trying to help you solve it, offering you their advice.. their opinions.. their judgements.. yeah.. makes the shine kind of wear out huh?

Last point, we always have a support system in place. What could possibly be wrong with that? Well, on a surface level nothing, but dig a little deeper and what that can potentially mean, if you aren't keenly aware of it, is that you could be fostering a terribly destructive codependence and an inability to see problems for what they truly are and solve them as you truly should, you know, "hit rock bottom" so that you can build up and have your own sturdy foundation type of thing.. yeah, if you always have that safety net, you'll never hit that rock bottom.

Add to these amazing points that, in being a part of this system, we inevitably all have our own baggage to carry, and cope with, AND adapt to, because life beats us all up in different ways, right? So now we're talking about a pretty interesting bunch of people all interconnected to each other, with bonds so tight, we inevitable shape each other's "consciousnesses.." Hopefully the image above starts to make a little more sense now. It's not ill intended. It's not a dig at my family or anybody's cultural upbringing, it just goes to illustrate the point that sometimes, we need to take a little step back and realize that our family's problems are NOT OUR personal problems, and we need to "cut the umbilical cord" so to speak.

When we get too overly involved with each other's problems, especially in a family system, we affect every other person who is connected to them, and, knowing we have our own set of baggage causing us to view and interpret things in our own way, we might actually be causing more harm than damage. We need to put a safe and respectful amount of space between us, just to be able to gain perspective. We need to work on healing ourselves a little more independently, and then, having that healthy space, we can approach each family member individually and be able to actually help each other instead of pulling on each other, draining each other from a place of need.

I mentioned I was myself working on this because I've struggled with this all of my life. I'm a very attached person. I don't have many people in my "close circle," but the ones I have close to me, I love. So, if they hurt, I hurt; if they struggle I worry; you know, all that good stuff. That being said, I tend to take things ultra personal. I always have, and that has drained me tremendously. I had unhealthy relationships, I had my feelings hurt, I interpreted things from a hurt point of view, etc., because I was too attached and tried to take everyones problems on.

I have been working on keeping myself keenly aware now, when I start to feel triggers brought on by family members or those I keep very close to me. I am more sensitive and aware of tones used, words used, faces I see, body language people around me have, their overall energy and physical space they are in, and if it feels off putting, I remind myself to keep quiet, observe, refuse to get involved, and as much as possible, remove myself from the situation. I know that if I get triggered, I will inevitably engage with that energy, which will only result in my energy changing and being more destructive in the end, which will do absolutely nobody any good.

Next time you feel yourself getting down on yourself or feeling like you're too stressed or just taking on too much and your energy not being enough.. try to identify if it's genuinely coming from you, or if its your family's problems taking an effect on you and if maybe it's time you try to, cut the cord and seek a little bit of healthy, loving space between you and them.

Then again, I could be wrong..

From a loving place and with all of the best intentions,

- Lucy